My thoughts on what a father is and should be have been my own role model to how I have always wanted to be with my own children. My grandfather, and my best friend's father and uncle were all there as my mentors and role models since an early age. Even reading the Bible and learning about God were both beneficial to how I would decide some day to treat my own children. You often hear of the girl who always wanted to be a mommy and raise some kids. Seldom do you hear about the boy who always wanted to be a daddy. Although I never had a real daddy in my life, I was that boy. Deep down I knew that I would be a better father and daddy to my own children than what I had been experiencing.
The man who was my actual father however was not anything like what I wanted in a father for myself. He made everything uncomfortable and awkward. He was always belittling and cruel. He made me wish at times that I had never been born. I found out later that he even verbally abused me behind my back, painting a horrible picture of who I was to my significant other and other family members who may not have known me as long as he claims to have known me. He would tell my girlfriend's children I was mean.
He would come and go from our lives as I was growing up...the times he wasn't around were the times my fondest memories were made of. My little sister claims he molested her most of her childhood, but surprisingly, she now helps him with his finances as his power-of-attorney.
He truly did not know who I was, and I finally realized that those memories that lurked on the edge of my mind were truly who he was and is. I do not know the extent of memory blocks to this day that my then child's mind erected to protect me from the sadness and what should have been depression from the horrible things he had done to me.
What kind of a man can a young boy become if he is unfulfilled in the role of pleasing his father? Never able to make that man proud of anything I did, I began to feel inadequate. I did not want to think that he truly did hate me, in fact, he despised me all of my life. He regrets that my mother became pregnant...but won't take any responsibility in the act of making me...he claims it is because he was only 17 at the time. My mother was 21...but she was naive...whereas the 17 year-old was quite savvy and could manipulate people...he was already a journeyman at manipulation by this time.
What made matters worse, when I was born, I did not look like a Filipino nor did I look like a Mexican. Some people say I look mixed, but nobody can figure out with what. It doesn't matter though...I did not inherit my attitude, my demeanor, nor my intelligence from the man who is now known as Gregg Anthony Ross. I remember that he once told me to tell my girlfriend at the time (when I was 15) that I wanted to marry her and that I loved her so that she would want to have sex with me. I was shocked and embarrassed that he would say such a thing. I did not do as he suggested, but broke up with her instead. I found out later that he had bought the same young girl flowers and jewelry for her birthday...after I had already broken up with her. That was disgustingly disturbing if you ask me.
Last week he was sentenced to 14 years in the state prison for molesting a young girl who was a special education student. My girlfriend's daughter was so innocent and unsure of herself. She needed a father figure to show her that it was OK to be a kid, and guide her to become a responsible and decent young lady. I was trying to help her be responsible for her actions, and to learn to show respect for her mother. Gregg Ross continuously did things to undo everything my girlfriend and I were trying to do to help her. At the back of my mind, I thought that something was very wrong. Without accusing him, I tried to convince her not to spend so much time with him. He kept doing things for her, buying her trinkets and clothes...serving her food, etc. She loved the attention, because she did not relate well with her own father. She was not as warm to me as she was in the beginning, after Gregg Ross became involved in her life. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I trusted him because he was my father. When I found out what he had done, I told him not to come back to my home via email. I was determined to call the police, but I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself first. His immediate response was to justify his actions and play ignorant as to what he could have possibly done to warrant not being allowed back in the house. He claimed he was "right with God". He spent the Saturday before I kicked him out shredding lots of unknown paper materials...at least 4 hours worth of shredding.
He was not given the opportunity to retrieve anything from the house per police instruction...because they wanted to search his belongings. They confiscated his computers, and some of his pornographic material, and his sex toys. The police were astounded as to the amount of smut was on his computers. They said the number of magazines he had was more than normal too.
I feel relieved that he will have to face the majority of his punishment. Somehow, I feel it is not enough without feeling like it's revenge, it is certainly less than he deserves. I am sure there are more victims out there. I want him more than anything to realize that children are more important than things. I do not care one jot for his belongings. I do not care one tittle for his money. I only care for the safety and well-being of the innocent ones. As Christ once said, "It would be better for a person to tie a mill stone about his neck and be thrown into the sea than to harm one of the little ones." Matthew 18:6.
I pray the Lord will forgive the children any sins that man may have caused them to do for his own selfish lusts. I want to vomit when I think of what he has done. I pray the Lord will forgive us for not acting sooner. If I could go back in time, I would have never entertained the idea of living with Gregg Ross...a predator, disgusting pedophile and child molester...and I am thankful that he ignored my children and me for so many years. (I hope he really did ignore my children...none have come forward yet.)
No comments:
Post a Comment